I don´t yet really know what happened here. But it probably has something to do with affection, whatever that affection may be. Love? No. Definitely not. I can´t do that yet. But it was some kind of affection. An affection between close friends. And when it got to big I got scared.
Because I will not go through that again. Never again. It wasn´t close. This wasn´t the same thing at all. But somehow I got scared again. I thought it was over. Six years is a long time but apparently it wasn´t long enough.
The knife in my heart has been removed today, that I can feel. The wound is still bleeding but it will heal. It did before, so why shouldn´t it heal again?
The mistake I did was obviously bad. But maybe it was for the good. Perhaps I am doomed to a life in loneliness, that does not have to be bad. Because maybe my heart is to sore to take affection? Whatever that affection may be.
I am a pathetic son of a bitch, a nice and friendly one, but still. This I have to live with forever. But I can do it. As long as I know that for a fact, and that my friends know that for a fact. Do not come too close to me, because I cannot take it. Not yet. And maybe never.
This is entirely my fault. I am miserable right now but I know that I can get support from my friends. I still have friends. Not as close, but that is only for the good.
I am an oyster. A closed one. I tried to open my shell, and everything fell apart. From now on I will stay closed. forever and ever.
I don´t know why I am writing this in English, but I always felt more at home with this language, no idea as to why.
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